Think Reese Witherspoon really wants the Brits to go see her new movie, Water for Elephants? Since Robert Pattinson (leading man for that Twishit – I mean Twilight) stars in the movie, maybe Reese’s goal is to show the dudes that there’s a reason for them to go see what sounds like a pile of slop themselves.

I’m not sure it matters what Reese does: the pole is lodged so firmly up what are surely tightly clenched ass cheeks that this chick just can’t do sexy.

At least, not convincingly.

When she does have sex, I bet Reese just barks orders the whole time, with the main one being: hurry up and FINISH, dickhead.

You know it’s true. Although tits are tits, and Reese’s aren’t anything to look away from.

Photos by FAME

Here’s Reese Witherspoon at the premiere of her new movie, How Do You Know. Paul Rudd and Owen Wilson are also in the movie with her. They’re fighting over her, actually (in the movie).

So it makes sense that Reese has to look hot at the premiere.

And the thing about Reese is, she is hot: nice rack and nice legs. Yet her anal-uptight-Miss A persona just eclipses any sexiness the chick may have. Or at least… dampens it. Somewhat, at least.

But I can see dudes fighting over her. You could do far, far worse that Reese. Still won’t watch the rom com shit How Do You Know, but whatever.

Photos by FAME

These pictures make one thing  clear: Ms. Witherspoon does NOT like to be kept waiting! But she’s still cute as all hell, so that’s okay.

She has a new movie called This Means War where two dudes (Chris Pine and Tom Hardy) fight it out for her affections. I’m not sure even two dudes fighting over her would get this chick hot in real life, if you know what I mean. But who knows?

Reese also has a comedy coming out with Owen Wilson and Paul Rudd called How Do You Know. More rom com shit, but Owen might make it funny. Might. Not sure he has his mojo back and I’m not sure how funny she is.

Now if there was a nude scene, I’d be there. No questions asked.

Photos by FAME

Reese Witherspoon appearing in Berlin with her date by her side for the premiere of Monsters Vs. Aliens.  It appears that working on the film has gave her a completely different view relationship-wise.  I’m quite sure the large, fat blue glob scored that night primarily based on personality compared to his irresistable love handles.  It’s reported that when the unknown date was brought aside and asked to question about the occassion that he replied, “God, I hope this chick has a huge rack under there… the lack of depth perception makes it hard for some one like me to pass a simply judgement about these things.”  It’s safe to say after that night, we haven’t heard from the poor guy since.

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Reese Witherspoon bikini pictures are 100 percent unexciting. However, what she lacks in sexiness, she makes up for in maternal instinct. Do you see her kid? It looks like she’s drowning yet Reese has a huge smile on her face. Mother of the year award please.

Also, after further examination, these Reese Witherspoon bikini pics may be old because she looks kind of fat in the pictures and lately, she is really skinny. So I apologize if they’re old, but they’re new to me.

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Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal have completely ended their short spring fling because Reese lacked the time Jake demanded. According to People,

“Reese was the one who had to do it,” says the source. “She just got out of a divorce and was so concerned with her family, she just didn’t have the time for him and he really demanded that.”

When Reese says, “she didn’t have the time,” I’m sure she really means, “its hard to have an orgasm while wearing a strap-on,” but I’ve always been bad at reading in-between the lines.

There are two parts of the Academy Awards that are worth watching – the intro and the arrivals. Unfortunately, watching hours of “I Love You Mom,” and reflecting on the past, is down-right boring. The intro on the other hand, is usually funny, but with Ellen Degeneres at the wheel, that sucked too. Her talk show is terrible, and so was her poor attempt at comedy.

Thankfully, the arrivals are here to save us.

Beyonce

Cate Blanchett

Eva Green 

Gwyneth Paltrow

Jessica Biel 

Kate Winslet

Kirsten Dunst

Lisa Ray

Nicole Kidman

Penelope Cruz

Reese Witherspoon

Ryan Phillippe and Reese Witherspoon, on October 30th, 2006, had their rep’s confirm their split. Since the announcement, there has been speculation regarding the cause of the separation. Ryan Cheated!, Reese is a Bitch!, and Ryan’s jealousy were all accusations of the split, but 100 percent solid evidence is still unknown. However, according to the Chronicle,

“Ryan did not go out of his way to hide the fact that he was having a fling with his co-star Abbie Cornish. Besides the fact they were spotted making out in a sushi restaurant together, she was spotted many times leaving his loft apartment.”

Good for him. Reese has always come off as a self-serving bitch in most of her statements to the press and I would imagine living, having a family with such a person, is nearly impossible, or to a greater extreme, warrants a disappearing act. Not just a regular disappearance, but a highly elaborate and thought out plan. Ryan will go to California and his plane will mysteriously crash. However, he’d be safely gliding out of the airplane with his magical wings, because people in Hollywood have those, and exile himself to Alaska.