Paris Hilton showed her patriotism with a dress that is supposed to make us think of dress whites.

Now, I give credit where credit is due: the cut-outs on the dress certainly make things interesting. But Paris, this was NOT the time to forget the fake tits.

You’d have looked damn amazing if you actually filled that top, and with your disappearing/re-appearing fake tits, this would’ve been the perfect dress to put those tits back in.

And hide those hooves, dear. Dudes with big feet can show them off, because chicks think- well, certain things about other key parts of our anatomy. For you- just HIDE them.

Photos by FAME

Okay, so try to ignore the facts that Paris Hilton is a spoiled-princess-slash-famewhore for a moment. The paparazzi do still take her picture (for whatever damn reason).

Let’s look at the case of Paris’ miraculously re-appearing TITS. Those tits are as fake as the rest of this famewhore, but do you think Paris pulls off the sexy look?

(Psst- don’t let your eyes drift downward to those BIG ass hooves of hers. Shit, why doesn’t she spend some of her money and fix those damn things?)

Sorry, Paris. For me this is a FAIL. Even if that means you have to stick that big ass hoof of yours up my ass.

Photos by FAME

Look at Paris Hilton, doing her best to sex it up at the Supermaxtrtxe VIP party in Madrid. She may have done her best to show off her tits on the red carpet, but it looks like Paris knew the jig was up given the other chicks on the stage.

Paris isn’t even TRYING to fool us into thinking she has a decent pair of tits next to those chicks. Look at the ones on stage with her: now those are tits.

Paris chose to show off her legs instead. Not a bad choice, given her options.

Photos by FAME

Here’s Paris Hilton, working it with EVERYTHING she’s got for the Supermatxe Motorcycle Team. Hell, she’s all but f#$%ing a guy up on the motorcycle for the sake of the cameras.

Nobody can say Paris won’t take one for the team.

And check out that rack. All I can say is, Paris must’ve invested in the BEST miracle bra money can buy to give herself that cleavage.

Look at that first picture of her below in the thumbnails: she looks as damn shocked and impressed by her tits as everybody else who saw her, I’m sure.

Hell, fake or not (and let’s be honest: what about Paris isn’t fake?), I appreciate the effort and enjoy the view.

Photos by FAME

Paris Hilton’s got her chest back again!

And I know why. Yesterday some dude tried to break into her house. Paris woke up and called the cops, who arrested the guy.

Now while most of us would be breathing deep sighs of relief, Paris took to twitter.

So Scary, just got woken up to a guy trying to break into my house holding 2 big knifes. Cops are here arresting h [sic]

She even posted a pic of the dude getting arrested. (I’m biting my tongue to avoid making a joke about “knifes.”)

So of course Paris then had to take advantage of the photo-op, so out came whatever she’s stuffing in her top to make it look like she has tits.

So predictable. But Kim Kardashian is still WAY hotter, Paris.

Photos by FAME

Do you hear some kind of whirring, scraping sound? That’s the sound of a long-dead Hollywood icon, Marilyn Monroe, spinning her grave. What else can she do when a no-talent famewhore like Paris Hilton decides to disgrace her by trying to be her?

Sacrilege!

Let’s just clear this up once and for all: Paris, you are NO Marilyn Monroe. You will NEVER come close to Marilyn Monroe’s stature, no matter how much you prop up those false titties you like to trot out every now and then.

Even the wig looks like shit.

Paris, I think it’s time: buy your ass some little deserted island, put all the creature comforts you want on it, go there, and DO NOT come back. Your 15 minutes are LONG over (although I guess the false tits don’t hurt with extending your time. A little).

Photos by FAME

Now, we all (and by “we” I’m referring to males: specifically, straight dudes)- we all know it’s hot to see a chick touch herself. Even Paris Hilton, in whatever gas blows about in her skull that passes for a brain, knows that.

So is she trying to ignite our fantasies by touching her own tit? And does it work for you?

I’m not sure it works for you. I mean, yeah, looks like she has a perky set of little tits. But I keep remembering her sex tape. She was like, virtually, DEAD. I mean, she was like a damn ZOMBIE. Or seriously stoned, staring at herself.

Maybe I can imagine her and Nicky together (Nicky’s in the pics down below). Girl on girl action isn’t bad, right?

Photos by Fame Pictures

Paris Hilton took a stand on her Myspace over allegations that she was kicked off of a yacht at the Canne’s Festival for indecent behavior in the bathroom.  According to her, the media is simply lying through their teeth.

Paris Hilton is slamming a new report that she and beau Doug Reinhardt were tossed off David Furnish’s yacht for hooking up in the bathroom.

British papers claimed the heiress was asked to leave after she and Reinhardt were caught in a “compromising position” over the weekend following the Cannes Film Festival.

“I would never do that,” says the heiress. “It’s so lame that people will just create these crazy stories. I can’t believe the stories people will make up, so gross! I’m so sick of all these false rumors. It’s not fair that writers can get away it. They have no credibility.”

Right, Paris.  I suppose that those old sex tapes of yours are stunt doubles that were paid by the government whom are conspiring against you, and those pictures of you at a Canne’s giving what’s-his-face a lap dance practically in the middle of a party for all to see was a hypnosis trick pulled by aliens from Pluto.  Unlike those crazy paparazzi’s, Paris Hilton, the resident high class trash we’ve all come to love AND hate, just screams “credible source.”

Our lives would just be a little less brighter without her escapades.

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