Breaking news: Oprah Winfrey is getting fat.  Again.  Okay, so maybe it’s not much of a surprise to anyone since, for what seems like centuries, she’s been parodied as being the human blimp with a microphone.

“I’m mad at myself,” Winfrey writes in an article provided early to The Associated Press by Harpo Productions.

“I’m embarrassed,” she writes. “I can’t believe that after all these years, all the things I know how to do, I’m still talking about my weight. I look at my thinner self and think, `How did I let this happen again?’”

You would almost think the amount of time she spends yapping her trap that that would burn a couple thousand calories, but apparently behind the scenes, that usually follows after she stuffs her face full of Crisco or something.  Whoeever her trainer is though, I have to admit they’re really working hard for their money; nothing like having to monitor a famous figure on a hamster wheel to make sure they don’t fall out or drown in a pool of their own sweat and blood.

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Dammit, nature.  You proved yourself to be unpredictable once again.  Over the weekend, a fire broke out on Montecito, California Friday, which caused a lot of concern for the groups of rich people and celebrities like Oprah Winfrey with houses in that area.

For Winfrey, who was in Chicago working on her show as she monitored the fire’s spread near her 42-acre estate, a chief concern was her dogs.

“We already had a plan for getting the dogs out and going to the Four Seasons (hotel) because they take dogs,” she said on her talk show on Friday.

“When it’s in your neighborhood, when it’s your friends, when it’s your house you feel differently about it. You see it differently,” she said.

Celebrities that are at a loss in the area: Christopher Lloyd, Stephen Spielburg, Steve Martin, Rob Lowe, and even some of Snoop Dogg’s groupies.  In my eyes, all this really means is instead of having six homes scattered across the nation, these guys are just going to have five.  Apparently that’s enough to have Oprah dedicate almost 30 minutes of her show whining about it.

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Oprah Winfrey’s mother, Vernita Lee is claiming ignorance and counter suing Valentina Inc for allowing her to spend over $150,000 she, for god knows what kind of reason, didn’t realize she had to pay back.

According to court papers, Lee resolved a 2002 case with the company over a $175,000 bill. The resolution prohibited Valentina from receiving more credit.

Lee claims the company extended her credit anyway, taking advantage of her “lack of knowledge, ability, and-or capacity” when creating her credit account.”

Oprah’s mom makes it seem like credit is some free thousand dollar coupon.  You’d think after the first time, or after seeing people’s houses being foreclosed on because of bad credit, or, hell, looked at Ed McMahon lately, some common sense would enter her brain, but for some odd reason she sees credit as some really awesome thousand dollar coupon.  As giving as Oprah makes herself out to be on television, I wouldn’t bother bailing her out just because of her stupidity.

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Oprah’s new show “The Big Give” kicked off as Drew Barrymore donated $1,000,000 to help feed kids in Africa. That’s nice and all but this show has got to be one big snooze fest. Just take a look at the promo.

I’m pretty sure only lonely housewives will watch this show, because no one I know wants to see people just giving money away. Let me get on that show and I’ll show you how to “give away” money. I’d buy 50 monkeys, get 50 prostitutes, give 50 homeless dudes money and lock them all in a room for a battle TO THE DEATH. Now THAT’S Prime Time Television.