Don’t say it.

I know no one cares about Heidi Montag and her silly charades, but these facts have to be written about.

Trust me, they’re just too funny!

Heidi Montag is a Virgo

Heidi Montag is a Virgo (her birthday is September 15, 1986), but here’s the rub…

…while Virgo’s are typically feminine and introverted, Heidi had to buy feminity (plastic boobs) and she spread her legs for Playboy.

Quite the contradiction, right?

Heidi Montag is Probably Not Chinese…

According to the Chinese Year Chart, Heidi Montag’s birth year, 1986, would make her the year of the Tiger.

But it’s not all true…

Why? Tigers are powerful creatures and Heidi only has the creature part down pat.

Heidi Montag’s Big Break

Quick, what was Heidi Montag’s big break? If you said The Hills, you’re wrong! That show didn’t break anything.

Instead, it was her breast implants. Just imagine what she would look like if she put on one of her old bras… snap.

God Gave Heidi Montag a Messed Up Nose…

…but it’s a good thing for nose jobs.

Heidi Montag Can’t Sing

Heidi Montag released her first single, “Higher,” and it bombed. Most people would get the hint, but not Heidi. She released her next single “No More,” which I thought was just as bad.

It’s too bad she didn’t take the advice of her song… “no more.”

Heidi Montag Pictures

Without further ado, let’s just take a look at some pictures. She doesn’t do anything worth writing about, so we’ll look at her instead.

More Heidi Montag Pictures:

Heidi Montag Photos

Heidi Montag Bikini Pictures

It appears that Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag, who are “famous” for doing nothing, are visiting the troops in Iraq.

“My [late] brother was an airborne ranger, so it’s very important for me to go over there and support the troops,” she says.

Adds Pratt, “It would be an honor and a blessing to get over there and pump them up and cheer them on.”

I can’t wait to hear that they got booed off stage.  What the hell are guys who are in Iraq going to think when a douchebag gets up there and tells them he’s pround of them.  They have no idea who the fuck these two are.  The only way it would be entertaining is if Heidi got nude and sexed up every soldier in attendance.

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In perhaps the most frightening news of the year, Heidi Montag says she wants to make a Christian album.

“I have been the most religious person since I was 2 years old. I always felt this crazy connection to God,” says Montag, who identifies herself as “kind of non-denominational Baptist.”

Montag — who just released her latest single “Fashion” and frequently reads the Bible — says she even wants to record a Christian album.

She adds that she once planned on devoting her life to God as a missionary in Africa.

The day Heidi Montag releases a Christian album is the day it rains frogs and the Black Plague returns.  I’m pretty sure the world would end.  This bitch is as religious as the dude who sits in the back of the church with that really religious hot chick.  I know what you’re up to buddy!  Trying to make her think you’re religious and then coax her into “sinning”.  I’m watching you pal!

Mary Kate Olsen went on Letterman and basically called Spencer Pratt a snake skin oil salesman.

“He does not have a good temper,” added Olsen, who was promoting her new indie The Wackness. “He walked out of a few games. He would walk off the field. He was like, ‘Me or the coach!’”

This chick just earned bonus points for seeming extra normal. Yea she was a crack head, but who isn’t these days? The hunt now begins for footage of high school soccer games where this douche pussied out and ran off the field. I give it a week before it turns up.

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