Don’t say it.

I know no one cares about Heidi Montag and her silly charades, but these facts have to be written about.

Trust me, they’re just too funny!

Heidi Montag is a Virgo

Heidi Montag is a Virgo (her birthday is September 15, 1986), but here’s the rub…

…while Virgo’s are typically feminine and introverted, Heidi had to buy feminity (plastic boobs) and she spread her legs for Playboy.

Quite the contradiction, right?

Heidi Montag is Probably Not Chinese…

According to the Chinese Year Chart, Heidi Montag’s birth year, 1986, would make her the year of the Tiger.

But it’s not all true…

Why? Tigers are powerful creatures and Heidi only has the creature part down pat.

Heidi Montag’s Big Break

Quick, what was Heidi Montag’s big break? If you said The Hills, you’re wrong! That show didn’t break anything.

Instead, it was her breast implants. Just imagine what she would look like if she put on one of her old bras… snap.

God Gave Heidi Montag a Messed Up Nose…

…but it’s a good thing for nose jobs.

Heidi Montag Can’t Sing

Heidi Montag released her first single, “Higher,” and it bombed. Most people would get the hint, but not Heidi. She released her next single “No More,” which I thought was just as bad.

It’s too bad she didn’t take the advice of her song… “no more.”

Heidi Montag Pictures

Without further ado, let’s just take a look at some pictures. She doesn’t do anything worth writing about, so we’ll look at her instead.

More Heidi Montag Pictures:

Heidi Montag Photos

Heidi Montag Bikini Pictures

It appears that Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag, who are “famous” for doing nothing, are visiting the troops in Iraq.

“My [late] brother was an airborne ranger, so it’s very important for me to go over there and support the troops,” she says.

Adds Pratt, “It would be an honor and a blessing to get over there and pump them up and cheer them on.”

I can’t wait to hear that they got booed off stage.  What the hell are guys who are in Iraq going to think when a douchebag gets up there and tells them he’s pround of them.  They have no idea who the fuck these two are.  The only way it would be entertaining is if Heidi got nude and sexed up every soldier in attendance.

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In perhaps the most frightening news of the year, Heidi Montag says she wants to make a Christian album.

“I have been the most religious person since I was 2 years old. I always felt this crazy connection to God,” says Montag, who identifies herself as “kind of non-denominational Baptist.”

Montag — who just released her latest single “Fashion” and frequently reads the Bible — says she even wants to record a Christian album.

She adds that she once planned on devoting her life to God as a missionary in Africa.

The day Heidi Montag releases a Christian album is the day it rains frogs and the Black Plague returns.  I’m pretty sure the world would end.  This bitch is as religious as the dude who sits in the back of the church with that really religious hot chick.  I know what you’re up to buddy!  Trying to make her think you’re religious and then coax her into “sinning”.  I’m watching you pal!

Mary Kate Olsen went on Letterman and basically called Spencer Pratt a snake skin oil salesman.

“He does not have a good temper,” added Olsen, who was promoting her new indie The Wackness. “He walked out of a few games. He would walk off the field. He was like, ‘Me or the coach!’”

This chick just earned bonus points for seeming extra normal. Yea she was a crack head, but who isn’t these days? The hunt now begins for footage of high school soccer games where this douche pussied out and ran off the field. I give it a week before it turns up.

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It’s time once again for Spencer Pratt’s world of wisdom, brought to you by Radar Online.

YO SPENCER! I am a military wife with a problem. While my husband has been deployed overseas for 7 months, I have gotten very close to another wife whose husband is also overseas. I have never been interested in women before but we both are getting very comfortable with the idea of being together. Now we are unsure whether to resist the impulse in order to preserve our marriages or continue with our possible relationship and keep it from our husbands. Please help me with this unexpected turn in my life. Do I ignore my feelings or stick to being the faithful housewife waiting for my husband to return?

Never ignore your true feelings. Just because you don’t tell him that you’re really in LOVE with another woman does not then make you a faithful housewife. By not telling him how you feel you are being unfaithful. You should tell him that you want to see him AND the woman. Maybe see if he’s cool with bringing her into the mix occasionally.

Why the hell are people coming to this douche for advice?  Seriously.  This woman is concerned about her mairrage and she turns to Spencer Pratt?  The guy is a walking donkey turd.  It’s true.  I literally saw him fall from a donkey’s ass, wobble around a bit, and start walking.  True Story.

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On top of being completely useless, these two are cheap.

A camera crew was with the vomit-inducing twosome at the time — no surprise there — and our source says that when they stopped filming, the server approached a producer from the show about the measly tip. The producer forked over $60 from his own pocket to cover Spencer’s shortcomings.

Included on the bill were 12 shots of platinum Patron at $60 a pop. Drinking and simple arithmetic just don’t mix.

You know what else doesn’t mix?  These two and fame.  Why is there even a camera crew there?  The worst part is these two are eventually going to make a sex tape.  That’s right it’s going to happen.  Once their 15 minutes are up and there is no one that cares, she will blow him on tape.  I hate them so much that I almost don’t want to see it.  I said almost.

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Spencer has a weekly column with Radar Online where he basically spews his useless opinion to readers who ask him questions.  Let’s check out this week’s gem.

How long do you have to date someone before it’s appropriate to bring up the possibility of anal sex?

If you’re dating a guy, right away. If you’re dating girl, I think you’ll know pretty quick if she’s into that. If they’re not bringing it up, it’s not something on their agenda. That’s just realistic. My boxing coach Dirty Phi says, “If you stick your pinkie in there, and then another finger, and then another, and she responds happily, then it’s cool.”

I knew it.  Gay dudes love anal and you should always try to anally fist your gf to see if she’s into it.  Thanks Spencer for helping me unravel these mysteries that have plagued mankind for centuries.  Douchebag.

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Radar Online has a useless segment where Spencer Pratt gives advice to people who write in. Let’s take a look at this week’s gem.

YO SPENCER! I love my girlfriend, but she walks all over me—she gives me a hard time when I want to hang out with the fellas or spend time alone, she checks up on me all of the time, and is crazy jealous. What should I do?

Obviously if she’s crazy jealous, you’re not making her feel that you love her enough. First off, treat her better, make that jealousy go away. Tell her you need guy time and she needs girl time to maintain a healthy relationship. Also, you should not have any girl walking over you, just like you should not be walking over some girl. This relationship sounds like servitude, so if she doesn’t give you the respect or space you need, it’s time to move on and find a girl that will. Pretty much I would say that you could give it a try. But that’s a relationship I wouldn’t want to be in.

“Pretty much I would say that you could give it a try.” Where did this idiot go to school, a ? I’m pretty sure he wrote this thing up on the back of a Chuck E. Cheese menu right after he sang along with the mechanical band. Spencer is as bright as a rock. A rock that’s been held back a few grades and wears a helmet.

BONUS: Chuck E Cheese performs the hits!