The horny smart people at Burger King know what they’re doing. Hell, I want to go get a Carl Jr. burger right now. Actually, scratch that. I want to BE a Carl Jr. burger right now. Well, I want to be the burger that’s in Audrina Patridge’s mouth.

If she spills anything out of that juicy burger onto herself, I’d be happy to lick it up for her. Or eat the burger off her stomach. While she’s still lying there, of course.

Forget Lauren Conrad and Kristin Cavallari: The Hills doesn’t need them! Have Audrina Patridge go play down at the beach (you know those jobs on the show aren’t real anyway), and I might actually tune in every once in a while.

Or at least DVR it so I can get the screen captures later.

Better yet, have a Hills special and send Audrina to the south of France where they sunbathe topless. It’s a crime to cover her girls up.

Heidi and Spencer Pratt have been giving NBC hell as celebrity participants on their new realty TV show ‘I’m a Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here!’ and have quit and rejoined the cast twice already.  Their erratic, and humorous, behavior has made the network consider replacing them with such people as Heidi’s sister and even Audrina Patridge.

What does Audrina’s agent have to say about this?  Essentially: Hell.  No.

After we got word that NBC’s jungle reality show would be replacing Heidi and Spencer, …we started calling around — and the answer we got from Audrina Patridge’s manager was priceless:

“Not in a million years. Audrina is moving in a completely different direction than those two … she’s a star.”

Yeah, watch out Hollywood.  This week she was seen at the premiere of the Hangover.  Not sure if she was doing a promotional stunt with alcohol, but for this go around they let her stand on a piece of the red carpet and take a picture with a poster of a real celebrity!

So what can we all learn from this?

Spencer just told TMZ, “Heads up, Audrina. Just because you have a one night stand with a guy who’s in a movie called ‘Star Trek’ doesn’t make you a star. You’re just a ho.”

In case that didn’t register, he said, “You’re just a ho.” We have to say, not very Christian from a guy who just got baptized by Stephen Baldwin.

And let the fighting begin!

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Upon bearing witness to Audrina Patridge in this PETA ad, one can not help but come up with many questions.  For instance, don’t you think those birds you plucked those feathers from have just as much feeling as that dog that you’re carrying?  And something a little more serious…let’s say one was to buy instead of adopt, would you personally come down to punish, maybe even spank, them?  Depending on those answers, I may go out and get myself a mutt and a whip or two tomorrow.

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