Morgan Freeman Can’t Stand the Rain

Some hardcore in-depth investigation this morning confirms that the main suspect for Morgan Freeman’s car spiraling out of control was in fact that low life, double crossing rain.

A neighbor tells the Memphis Commercial-Appeal that he saw the car actually flip several times on the very narrow road made slick from heavy rain, and that the 1997 Nissan Maxima came to rest upright in a ditch eight inches deep with water. Freeman was initially unconscious, says the person who found him, but was talking with paramedics afterward.

What a bummer it must be for that poor guy…the neighbor I mean. Possibly witnessing his first car crash, but there were NO EXPLOSIONS. There was some talk by a couple of witnesses about there being strange stuff like recipes and seasonings being near the car, and I guarantee you all of that was the neighbor making things interesting. He was probably thinking to himself, “Hell, if I can’t have me no fireworks, I’m gonna at least have me a suppertime.” Because we all know that in Mississipi some of their pastimes include cannibalism, pissing on trees and good ol’ incest.