Possibly the Greatest Story of the Year

When Ashley Cole went out to cheat on his wife Cheryl Tweedy of Girls Aloud (right), you would think he could do better than this chick (left). You would also think he could hold it together a little better. This story is probably the most hilarious thing you will read all day.

Aimee, 22, revealed the Chelsea and England defender cheated on pop star wife Cheryl after a night out drinking with pals. Aimee and a friend were drinking at the CC club in Piccadilly, central London, when a pal of Cole’s asked them if they wanted to join the star in the VIP lounge.

Chelsea fan Aimee said: “Ashley was already drunk and couldn’t keep his eyes off me, but he wouldn’t come and chat. “I knew who he was but have never been that impressed with footballers — we were just enjoying the free drinks. But at the end of the night one of Ashley’s mates just came up to me and said, ‘Ashley wants you to go home with him’.

So she wasn’t impressed by a famous footballer, she’s just a skank.

“He just kept saying to me, ‘Please don’t tell anyone, I’ll get in so much trouble’. Then he started apologising for what he was about to do.

“He slapped my backside so hard his wedding ring left an imprint. He tried to hold my hand but I could feel the ring and felt so bad I pushed it away.”

HAHA.

Cole then joined Aimee in the back seat of her pal’s Vauxhall Astra while his friend CJ sat in the passenger seat. Two of Cole’s other friends got a separate cab back to the flat.

Aimee — who has a 19-month-old son — said: “During the ride he was slurring his words and was a right mess. Then he just threw up everywhere.

“My friend was going mad but he just smiled and said to me, ‘She should be privileged Ashley Cole was sick in her car.’ His T-shirt was covered in sick and he took it off. I remember being really disturbed by how violently ill he was.”

So let me get this straight. She wasn’t that into him, he slapped the shit out of her, AND he threw up everywhere and she STILL had sex with him? This chick is a trooper. By the way, I am totally using that “you should be privileged” line next time I throw up in a friend’s car. Unbelievably, this story gets even better.

Once at the flat, Cole’s pals Johnny, CJ and a third man continued drinking downstairs, waiting for the early morning Hatton fight — while the England star led Aimee to a bedroom.

“There was a tiny landing at the top of the stairs with a bedroom on the right and another on the left — he took me into the one on the right. He begged me to tuck him into bed. I was a bit drunk and knew he was married and felt bad because I knew what was going to happen.”

“I went to the toilet and when I returned he was sitting in his boxer shorts on the bed”

Ah, the ‘ol waiting on the bed in boxers trick. I didn’t know people actually do this. I thought it was only done in comedy movies when a nervous teenager is about to lose his virginity and he can’t figure out whether to get under the covers naked or stay on top of the comforter. Way to go Ashley!

“We started having sex but it wasn’t long before he said he felt sick again.”

“Then he just rolled over and vomited on the floor, all over the cream carpet. It was disgusting.”

But Cole was not going to let that stop him from scoring. Aimee said: “He had some mouthwash, then jumped back into bed.”

How many outs does this chick need? I’m no expert, but I think she was banging him for his fame.

“We started having sex again but his mates piled into the room. After they left we finally managed to get going again and tried several positions.”

“Eventually he finished and collapsed on to my chest. He was panting and clearly had a good time.”

Awesome, but it still feels like we need something to top this whole story off…

Aimee said: “He’s wild — really rude in bed. He knew exactly what he was doing and was pretty good, despite not being very big.”

BOOM. A shot in the gut. The perfect ending to a wonderful tale of romance and vomit. This story couldn’t be anymore romantic if it was called “The Notebook 2″.